All my life has passed with depression. My depression comes from childhood times. So, it is painful and stubborn. In my life, i did not get any family help or support about this topic. Because my family did not have awareness for depression and what it does. Until my marriage i fought it by myself. But, after my son birth, finally i decided to go to a psychiatrist and journey has begun. My diagnose was depression, anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and social anxiety. So, here i am. I started with Zoloft (Lustral) 50 mg and continued with many different options. And after 10 years, i am again with Zoloft (Lustral). Let me tell you more about milestones of my journey and what i lived.
Logbook, Year 2006 – Wellcome to drugs!
Zoloft (Lustral), 50 mg. I started with 25 mg and after one week, i took off to 50 mg. At first day with 50 mg, i started to smile by myself, something was happening to me but i was not sure what was it? Life was good. But i did not think a lot about nothing, i decided everything very fast, i spent a lot of money without any guiltiness. One day i woke up with a good mood and another day i woke up with hellish feelings. Finally, i learnt; Zoloft 50 mg made me manic and depressive. I was on a roller coaster.
Logbook, Year 2007 – Seroxat (Paxil)
Doc changed Zoloft with Paxil. I switched it with a titration plan. I started with 10 mg. And after end of first week, i decided to kill myself. I really interrogated myself “why was i living?”, “what was the valid reason”, i couldn’t find a reason and while i was planning to kill myself, my son took me from the edge of cliff and i realized that i had to live, at least for my son. And i decided to change psychiatrist and i did cold turkey for Paxil.
Logbook, Year 2007 – Luvox (Faverin)
New doc listened my story and she gave to me Luvox. I started 50 mg and was on it one week. Oh my god! It was a terrible experience. I vomited everyday and i did cold turkey once again.
Logbook, Year 2007 – Break
I decided to give a break about drugs. Since one year i took 6 kilos, i returned from edge of suicide and all my symptoms were still standing.
Logbook, Year 2008 – Lexapro (Cipralex)
I had to get help! I couldn’t live like this. Once again, i was in front of psychiatrist. He listened all story and prescribed Lexapro 10mg. Here, i was on a drug again. At the beginning, everything was perfect. I was enough good. Until i understood that i became impotent. There was no problem about libido but potency, it lost! One year, i lived with it. Cialis help me a lot but i could not live with Cialis all the time. I had to find a solution.
Logbook, Year 2009 – Prozac
I switched from Lexapro to Prozac due to impotency. I started with 20 mg Prozac and increased it to 40 mg within 2 weeks. Everything was fine, except to nerviness and delayed ejaculation. I was like crazy, i was feeling anger about everything and of course i couldn’t ejaculate. But i was stubborn. I tried Prozac 1 year. And at last i accepted that i lost fight and i gave up Prozac.
Logbook, Year 2010 – A New World – First SNRI
And i knocked the door of a different psychiatrist, she listened my story and she gave to me my first SNRI – Cymbalta. I tired Cymbalta 30 mg for 2 months. At the end of duration, my symptoms got worst and she wanted to changed drug but i changed her. I found myself in an office of a new doctor.
Logbook, Year 2010 – A New Universe – Wellbutrin
I am still feeling praise about the day which i met with Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin was totally different than SSRI. Nearly, there was no side effect. Again, i was normal human. I was feeling everything within its normal frame. Depression lost. I used Wellbutrin XL 300 mg for 4 years. My world was like a heaven but there was a dark side of the moon and i could see it after 4 years.
Logbook, Year 2014 – What is Happening to me?
I was jumping over from the bed while i was sleeping, especially if i drunk. Left side of head and face had acne, and my shoulder joints were tingling whole day. What were they? Why did they exist? I started to blamed everything except to Wellbutrin. While i was making research from internet, i accidentally read an article that, Wellbutrin may cause some odd side effects. Maybe my complaints were because of Wellbutrin? I had to try. And i gave up Wellbutrin by titrating. Oh, welcome to depression but also farewell to complaints! I was in shock. My life saver was killing me silently and i decided to say goodbye to Wellbutrin and started to search an alternative…
Logbook, Year 2014 – An Alternative – Effexor
And second SNRI in my life. Effexor. I knew that if i began to use Effoxer, it was very hard to give up it. But i was a strong man. I could do it. So, i started Effexor XR 75 mg as an alternative to Wellbutrin XL. No, no, no! Effexor was very hard drug! I never lived anything like that in my life. I was in a different universe, i couldn’t feel that i was living. I knew that it is a good drug but i could not stand its side effects, especially high blood pressure. Effexor XR gave to me regularly high blood pressure. So, i decided that i was not good with SNRIs or i hadn’t enough patience to wait results.
Logbook, Year 2014 – Come Together with an Old Friend
This time, i would not visit a doc. I would do my own research and i would decide my drug by myself, eventually i had enough experience to choose a drug. My wife was using Luvox (Faverin) and i read a lot of good thing about its treatment for obsessive-compulsive disorder. And i decided to give a chance for Luvox. Luvox never saved me from depression but told stories were true, my obsessive-compulsive disorder got lost. But what about depression? I was needing something more.
Logbook, Year 2015 – Celexa (Cipramil)
Yes, i knew that SSRIs were a bad option if you were feeling side effect about your weight and sexual life. But what could i do? I needed a solution for my obstinate depression. Celexa was close with Lexapro but i wanted to give a try. I started to take Celexa 20 mg. After 2 months, everything was wonderful. Except to a serious side effect. I was not comfortable about my heart. It seemed that there was a problem with my heart. And i did a research as usual; Celexa has been associated with abnormal heart rhythms (prolonged qt interval) at high doses. My dose was 20 mg and it was not considered as high. But who knows, maybe 20 mg was high for me. So, i scared and i gave up my good new friend for a very old friend.
Logbook, Year 2015 – Returning to Beginning
I have returned to the place which i started. Zoloft (Lustral) said welcome to me. But at this time, my first drug was strong than before. I started to use 100 mg Zoloft (of course, with 25, 50, 100 mg titration) and Zoloft made me surprised at this time. I didn’t get manic story. Maybe it was because of other chemicals which i used during 9 years. I am still using Zoloft 100 mg since 6 months. Sometimes, i tried to fell down to 50 mg but i was not for me. I was happy with 100 mg. All my symptoms lost within this bloody 9 years except to little anxiety. And i think, it is normal. I plan to use Zoloft 100 mg until the time whenever i feel myself enough strong to live without antidepressant. I want to summarise this journey to you by drugs by drugs:
As you see, this is a long and difficult drug journey. And during this journey, i also had combo and benzo experience but they are totally different stories and individual blog subjects. I have to confess. Better way is not exactly drugs way. If you have enough capability so you should teach yourself to survive from depression and anxiety with alternative methods such as therapy, meditation, sport, self esteem and etc. At the end of the day, all drugs are chemical and while they are fixing something then they are breaking another thing. This is my journey and this is my story. Every human is unique. What i lived doesn’t mean that you will live same. My final goal is to be drug free and apply an alternative method to live without depression. I believe that i can do it. Frankly, i was not feeling like this 10 years ago. It happened to me because of drugs or because i am getting older. Anyway, i am happy and i am undeterred to stay like this.
Latest Update (March, 2016) : I am drug free since 2 months. And i am totally different. I will tell this story to you on another post. Follow me up! 🙂